Blonde jokes

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A list of the blonde jokes. I advise learning these hilarious sayings well, you never know when you might need them! Here is a great collection of witty blonde jokes that is sure to put a smile on your face.
Blonde jokes

Best blonde jokes

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”

Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”
Brunette: “I don’t know.”
Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: “I want that tv.”
The salesperson shook his head and said, “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: “I’ll take that tv.”
Again the salesman said: “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: “I want that tv.”
But the salesman still said: “No, we don’t sell to blondes.”
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, “That’s it! How’d you know I was a blonde?!” she asked.
The salesman answered: “Cause that’s a microwave.”

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:
“Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts…
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts…
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts…
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!”
The Doctor replies: “Your finger is broken.”

Q: What’s dumber than a brunette trying to build a house under water?
A: A blonde trying to burn it down

A blonde rings up an airline.
She asks, “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Just a minute…”
The blonde says, “Thanks!” and hangs up the phone.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!”
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!”
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn’t want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.”
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, “Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either.”

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, “well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
“Well that explains one ear, but what about the other.”
“The bastard called again”

A blonde calls her mom…
Blonde: “Mom mom!! I’m a genius!”
Mother: “Really dear? How’s that possible?”
Blonde: “I finished a puzzle that I’ve been working on for 1 year and on the box it said ‘for 2-5 yrs’.”

Blonde: What does IDK stand for?
Brunette: I don’t know
Blonde: Why doesn’t anyone know!
Why can’t a blonde dial 911? She can’t find the eleven.
How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.
What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? “Omg, donut seeds!”
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, ‘It’s dark in here isn’t it?’ The other replied, ‘I don’t know; I can’t see.’
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.
Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
Why were there bullet holes in the mirror? A blonde tried killing herself.
How did the blonde die while raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
How do you drown a blonde in a submarine? Knock on the door.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, ‘Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?’ She replied, ‘The can said for best results apply 2 coats.’
How can you make a blonde go on the roof? Tell her that drinks are on the house.
Three blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Why can’t blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.

One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’

The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ears.

How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.

Why did the blonde put water on her computer? To wash the Windows.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, It got cold so I turned off the fan.

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair? When she trips over the cordless phone.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it’s mine.

A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, “Where did you get her?” The pig answers, “I won her at the fair.”

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. The first one said, “Look, it’s deer tracks.” The second one said, “No, it’s wolf tracks” and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.

What’s a blondes idea of safe sex? Lock the car doors.

What do you call a really smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? “Oh look! Donut seeds!”

How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.

What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.

I got a compliment on my driving today said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Short blonde jokes

Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
She didn’t want one for nights.

What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.

Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
She was last years hide and seek winner.

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

Q How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

How do you drown a blond?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q How do you drown a blond?
Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
A dumb terminal.

Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
So brunettes can understand them.

How did the blond burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing.

How does a blonde make instant pudding?
She places the box in the microwave and looks for the “instant pudding setting” button.

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called “How to Hug”?
When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A case of empties.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Why won’t they hire a blonde pharmacist?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks “Where did you get that?”
The pig says, “I won her in a raffle!”

What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.

To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade four.

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.Q What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
To get chocolate milk.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
“Oh look! Donut seeds!”

Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.

How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

Why couldn’t the blonde write the number eleven?
She didn’t know what number came first.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
Divorced.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, “Daaady!”

How do you get rid of blondes?
Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
None of them, two don’t exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

How do blonde braincells die?
Alone.

There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn’t they get in?
The sign said “must be 18 to enter”.

Why are there no brunette jokes?
Because blondes would have to think them up.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

Did you hear about Pepsi’s new soda just for blondes?
It has “open other end” printed on the bottom.

Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
They’re refuelling.

Dumb blonde jokes

Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes go in first.

Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits go in front.

Why don’t Spice Girls eat bananas?
They can’t find the zipper.

What is the best thing about getting a blow job from a Spice Girl?
10 minutes of silence.

What do you do if a spice girl hurls a grenade at you ?
Take out the pin and throw it back

What’s the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO?
Dunno – never seen either!

What is the difference between a Spice Girl and a 747?
Not everyone has been inside a 747.

Why do the Spice Girls smile when there’s lightning ?
They think they are getting their photo taken.

What did the Spice girls mum say to her daughters date ?
If you’re not in bed by 11 go home.

What do you call a spice girl behind a steering wheel ?
An air-bag.

How do you know when a Spice Girl has been making chocolate chip cookies?
You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

What does a Spice Girl and a beer bottle have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

A blonde and the Spice Girls jumped off the Empire State building. Who landed first?
The blonde – the Spice Girls had to stop and ask directions !

How many Spice Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they only screw in cars.

What do a turtle and a spice girl have in common?
Put them on their back and they’re both screwed

Funny blonde jokes

How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman?
You have to hollow out the head.

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A thought.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Why does a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means Stop.

Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
She’ll blow your mind, too.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It’s not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.

What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Why are blondes like corn flakes?
Because they’re simple, easy and they taste good.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
She wanted a lot of male in her box.

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop

How do you get a blonde on the roof?
Tell her drinks are on the house.

Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.

What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A blow job with handlebars

What’s the difference between a blonde and a guy?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
She couldn’t figure out who the other mother was.

What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Why don’t blondes get coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

Clean blonde jokes

What does Star Trek’s Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
Space. The final frontier……….

How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why couldn’t the blonde make ice cubes?
She forgot the ingredients.

Why was the blonde staring at a carton of juice?
Because it said concentrate.

How do you keep a blonde at home?
Build a circular driveway.

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

What do you get when offering a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said “don’t walk”.

How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
E-I-E-I-O.

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

How do you really confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circle room and tell her to sit in the corner.

What’s brown, red, black and blue?
A Brunette who’s been tellin one too many blonde jokes.

Why couldn’t the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
She couldn’t find the recipe.

Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.

What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant?
“Is it mine?”

Blonde jokes one liners

Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.

What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

Introduces herself?
Walks home?
bullet

What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
Opens the car door.

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
Kick open the car door.

What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
You don’t know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get channel 9.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop.

Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
Because red means “Stop, wrong hole.”

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.
Buy her another beer.

What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
“Have another beer.”

Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
They can’t find the zipper.
They cant find the pull tab.

Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
To put their feet through.

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Why don’t blondes eat Jello?
They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

What’s the mating call of the blonde?
“I’m *sooo* drunk!”

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
(Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”

What do blondes do with their assholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
All you can eat, under a buck.

Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
Bucket seats.

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Why do blondes wear underwear?
They make good ankle warmers.

How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was run over by the Zamboni machine.

Dirty blonde jokes

What’s the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the drive-in?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievement?
An in-body experience!

Why do blondes have square boobs?
No one told them to take the tissues out of the box first.

Where does a blonde haemophiliac go for medical treatment?
An acupuncturist.

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A number of people claim to have seen a Bigfoot.

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?
It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.

How do you get a dumb blonde to marry you?
Tell her she’s pregnant.

How do dumb blonde braincells die?
Alone.

What do you call a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.

What does an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common?
No matter how often you hear about them, you never see one.

What do you call a blonde with a 50 I.Q.?
Gifted.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

What did the dumb blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why do blondes drive VW’s?
Because none of them can spell Porsche.

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t — they’re born that way.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell — she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth!

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
“Oh look! Doughnut seeds!”

What do you call a blonde dyed brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

What do you call three blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

Why did the blonde snort NutraSweet?
She thought it was diet coke.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

Have a great time with blonde jokes and don’t forget to share the laughter and mental stimulation with others!

Blonde jokes
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