Dad joke

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A Dad joke is an embarrassingly bad joke, often read through the eyes of a dads lack of comedy. Brave yourself through our awfully bad list of dad jokes.
Dad joke

Dad joke

Son: “Is this insecticide good for mosquitos?”
Dad: “Not at all, it kills them!”

“I’ll call you later!”
“Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

“Are you alright dad?”’

“Actually, technically, I’m half left and half right.”

“Hey dad how was your weekend?” – “Light, dark, light, dark, Monday.”

Dad to his son: “I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and dumb.

“Daughter to her dad: “What is it?”
Dad: “It” is a pronoun.

You: “So, dad, I was thinking…”
Dad: “Ohhhhh and I wondered what that high-pitched grinding sound was!”

Dad: Would you like to hear a construction joke?
[Yes] Dad: Well I’m still working on it.

“We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments?’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’”

“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'”

“Anytime I do something smart my dad says, ‘Wow, you’re a fart smella…I mean smart fella!'”

“I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!”

“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.'”

“On all of my medical forms growing up my dad wrote ‘red’ for my blood type. To this day no one knows my actual blood type.”

“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.”

“My dad’s name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, ‘Dad, I’m full,’ he always replies, ‘No, I’m full; you’re Ruby.'”

“5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.”

“My dad got me with this one: ‘Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.’”

“A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.'”

“Every time someone bends over my dad makes a farting noise. He’s done it for almost 60 years and I’m certain he has no intention of slowing down.”

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

“I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”

Dad joke 2

Dad joke

“We drove past a city cemetery and my dad remarked, “Do you know why I can’t be buried here, boy?”
“Why?”
“Because I’m still alive.”

Dad: I have a very secure job. There’s nobody else who would want it.

Dad, I’m hungry!”
“Oh hello Hungry, I’m Dad!”
“But I’m really hungry!”
“And I’m really Dad.”

Daughter: “How do I look, daddy?!”
Dad: “With your eyes, sweetheart.”

Yo Dad, what’s up?
The ceiling.

Dad, I’m cold!
Go to the corner, son, there’s 90 degrees.

When somebody asks my dad how he feels, he always replies, „With my hands.“

Dad joke 3

Dad joke

Stop whining, you will never be the man your mother is.

Father: Do you know the joke from the 3rd floor?
Son: “No,”
Father: Me neither, I was on the 2nd floor at the time.

Two walls arrange a date – “I’ll meet you at the corner.”

“Dad, can you make me a sandwich, please?”
Dad: “Abrakadabra, you are now a sandwich!”

The phone rings.
Dad: What does the caller ID say?
Mom: Private caller.
Dad: Don’t answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.

We only had 4 candles for my cake when I turned 15. My Dad said: “It’s fine. We’ll use them. It is 4 your birthday, anyway.”

“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

Dad joke 4

Dad joke

“What is a bunny without a carrot?”
“Hungry!”

“Dad, can you call mom’s phone? She can’t find it.”
“Absolutely! ‘Mom’s phone! Mom’s phone!’”

Did you hear about the new movie constipation? It hasn’t come out yet.

I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes. He had tears in his eyes. Then he hugged my sister and me.

What do you call a sheep without legs?
A cloud.

Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.

Did you know that UPS and Fedex are going into a merger? They will be called Fed-Ups now.

Dad: I love my rock-hard, honed six-pack so much I protect it with a good layer of lard.”

“Dad you look tired.”
“Oh, you mean the dark circles under my eyes? Those are the shadows of my great deeds.”

My dad’s typical compliment to when I’ve done something good – Wow, you’re a fart smella! I mean you are a smart fella!”

Two balloons fly through the desert. One yells at the other, “Be careful there is a pffffftttt”

Dad joke 5

Dad joke

I wanted to wear my camouflage jeans today but I just couldn’t find them.

Dad – Could you call me a taxi, please?
As you wish, dear taxi.

I went to choir practice. My dad told me not to forget a bucket. I asked why. Dad said, “You’ll need something to carry your tune.”

Have you heard there was a kidnapping at the school?
[NO] But it’s fine now, the kid woke up again.

“Can you put the cat out, please?”
“Why, is it on fire?”

What is invisible and smells of carrots?
A little bunny’s fart.

Dad to his daughter: “Never forget, sweetie, you’re unique, like everyone else.”

How do you call a boat without a rope?
“Boat!”

Why is our nose right in the middle of our face?
Well, it is the scenter.

Dad joke 6

Dad joke

Two cows meet, one says, “Mooooo!”
The other one is offended, “Hey, I just wanted to say that!”

Do you know how to make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow!

I was a doctor for a while but then I quit. I simply didn’t have enough patience.

Why didn’t the Orange drive when the lights turned green again? No juice!

Two penguins meet. One says, “Jesus it is cold today.
The other hisses, “Shut up. Penguins can’t talk.”

Son: “Am I adopted?”
Dad: “Not yet, it seems nobody is interested.“

Do you know where you can learn to make the best ice cream?
At Sunday school.

There’s this fascinating book on glue – I just can’t keep my hands off it.

They’ve opened a new shop recently, and it has everything. It’s called Moderation.

Dad joke 7

Dad joke

Vegetarian is an old Indian word. Originally, it means “a bad hunter”.

Dad, looking at soy milk: “Holá, milk, soy dad.

How many pears grow on a tree? They all do.

I can only handle 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why (y).

I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today.
His name is Brocko Lee.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad joke 8

Dad joke

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Dad joke 9

Dad joke

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Dad joke 10

Dad joke

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

“What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'”

“A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.'”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!'”

“Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!”

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!”

“Me: ‘Hey, I was thinking…’ My dad: ‘I thought I smelled something burning.'”

“How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!”

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

“Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”

“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”

“How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”

“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.”

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Dad joke
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