Funny Christmas Quotes

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Christmas is the most wanted season of the year, so we want to share with you some great Funny Christmas Quotes. Read them below and share with your friends to make your Christmas holidays funnier!
Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. Frank McKinney Hubbard

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included.” Bernard Manning

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple

As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same. Donald Westlake

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny Carson

Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account. Melanie White

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. Garrison Keillor

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. Larry Wilde

Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas. Melanie White

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. Katharine Whitehorn

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect. Oren Arnold

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
Andy Borowitz

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
Victor Borge

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
Melanie White

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
Dave Barry

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
Bridger Winegar

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
Winston Spear

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”
Guy Endore Kaiser

“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.””
John Leo

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
Kin Hubbard

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
Don Marquis

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”
Bridger Winegar

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”
Erma Bombeck

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
Garrison Keillor

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
Henny Youngman

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
Jerry Seinfeld

“Do give books religious or otherwise for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”
Lenore Hershey

“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is and people will usually just give it back anyway!”
Anne Bristow

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
Shirley Temple

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”
Matt Groening

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”
Tom Armstrong

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”
Catherine Tate

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
Arlo Guthrie

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
Richard Lamm

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”
Tom Sims

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
Joan Rivers

“Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.”
Author Unknown

“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
Steven Wright

“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”
Sean Hughes

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”
Wendy Cope

“Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”
Alan Bradley

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
Author Unknown

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”
Roy L. Smith

“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”
Ogden Nash

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”
John B. Priestly

“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”
Fred Rogers

“‘Elf’ has become this big holiday movie, and I remember running around the streets of New York in tights saying, ‘This could be the last movie I ever make,’ and I could never have predicted that it’d become such a popular film.”
Will Ferrell

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
Dave Berry

“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”
Frank McKinney Hubbard

“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”
Donald E. Westlake

“Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.”
Author Unknown

“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
Author Unknown

“The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.”
O. Henry

“Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.”
Jon Anderson

Funny Christmas Quotes 2

Funny Christmas Quotes

“Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.”
Harlan Miller

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.”
Author Unknown

“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.”
Jon Stewart

“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.”
Author Unknown

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
Jay Leno

“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?”
Jim Gaffigan

“Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!”
Lewis Black

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”
Anthony Jeselnik

“I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’”
Marc Maron

“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
Demetri Martin

“If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.”
Author Unknown

“Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”
Samantha Bee

“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.”
Author Unknown

“Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.”
Author Unknown

“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.”
Author Unknown

“Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.”
Robert Paul

“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.”
Melanie White

“Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in “Gift certificate for a flu shot.”
Erma Bombeck

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.”
Author Unknown

“The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round — kind, generous, friendly and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the only time they dare reveal themselves.”
Harlan Miller

“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.”
Robert Staughton Lynd

“I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.”
Frank Butler

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.”
Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.

“Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”
Wendy Cope

“Most of the soap operas always use the Christmas special to kill huge quantities of their characters. So they have trams coming off their rails, or cars slamming into each other or burning buildings. It’s a general clean-out.”
Baron Fellowes

“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”
Stephen John Fry

“It may be a cliche, but it’s true the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.”
Julie Burchill

“The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.”
Olivia Haigh Williams

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
– Andy Borowitz

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
– Melanie White

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
– Dave Barry

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.
– Bridger Winegar

Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.
– Melanie White

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.
– Earthman Adam ‏@AdamOfEarth

If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
– A Guy Named Kelly ‏@kellysdf

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
– Winston Spear

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
– Andy Borowitz

Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.
– Melanie White

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.
– Guy Endore Kaiser

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
– Johnny Carson

I don’t mind fruitcakes. They’re the one thing during the holidays I’m not tempted to eat.
– Melanie White

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
– Carol Nelson

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.
– Dave Barry

A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.
– Melanie White

I’ve never really understood why Jews go out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve, but I think it’s because so many Chinese restaurants have the word “temple” in their names.
– Dan Zevin

Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.
– Melanie White

The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.”
– John Leo

The amount of time and energy we spend putting up and taking down holiday decorations tells me our ‘top of the food chain’ claim is invalid.
– Linda in Disguise ‏@LindaInDisguise

The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for twenty minutes.
– Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe

Funny Christmas Quotes 3

Funny Christmas Quotes

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.
– Larry Wilde

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
– Kin Hubbard

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?
– Conan O’Brien

If you watch a lot of infomercials, there’s a good chance you’ll already know how to work any gift you get from me.
– Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

In the birth of Jesus story,
One thing we’re never told:
What happened to the frankincence
And myrrh, and all that gold?
– Greg Tamblyn

It’s the holiday season. Let the overeating begin!
– Melanie White

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
– Bob Phillips

The Holidays are the one time you get to experience all the excitement of rush hour traffic in the mall parking lot.
– Melanie White

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew’s Birthday.
– Andy Borowitz

Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!
– Ogden Nash

Am not rushing to get a new hair style for Christmas, I will get one new on the Christmas morning from my bedroom.

Anyone who tries to equate men to women, then she has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas gift.

Can I keep you forever? You are the perfect gift i would never like to lose for this Christmas.

Everybody gets so much information about Christmas such that they lose their common sense.

I wish Santa brings you the gift of never ending happiness this Christmas.

I hope you like my new Christmas cake recipe. They are called shut the hellupcakes, its Christmas.

Shhh… I just farted on Christmas.

Christmas has been canceled. Unfortunately you told Santa that you’ve been good. He died laughing.

The best Christmas is the one that wraps all the family to one another.

I couldn’t afford a present this year’s Christmas, so I wrapped myself for you.

Santa saw your Face-book Page. Now you are on the naughty list and won’t get anything.

Christmas is love in action, act on it now.

Dear Santa, in 2015 all I ask for is a fat bank account and a slim body.

Laughter is the best medicine for this holiday, but if laugh with no reason then you need some medicine.

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.

Last Christmas i gave you my heart, the following day you gave it away.

Christmas is not an external event, it’s an event born from your heart.

If a fat man puts you in a bag, don’t worry, I requested Santa to have you for Christmas.

One thing women doesn’t like to find on the Christmas morning in their stockings, is their husbands.

Why Christmas is just like any other day in office, I always find the big man come and take all the credit away in the evening.

Every minute of the Christmas day is important. It one day at a time.

Christmas is not about just opening presents. It’s also about opening our hearts.

The reason why Santa is so happy this Christmas, it’s because he recognizes where all the loving ladies live.

The best thing about Christmas is that its compulsory and we all can’t speak.

Christmas is the time you get some homesick even when you at your house.

One stunning messes ever created, it’s the mess created on the Christmas day at the table. Never clear it.

Christmas is the time to kindle the blaze of generosity and the heat of charity.

Presents of kindness and love are the best gifts for a true merry.

At Christmas day every road leads me home.

It’s the Christmas in your heart that puts the Christmas on the table.

Instead of having an unusual behavior, this day is probably the most unique day in the calendar.

When i was a kid i was pleased with those who fit our legs with stockings on holiday but now we are ungrateful because our legs filled the stockings.

I wonder if we could put a jar of the Santa oneness and open it every month when we feel like.

From an entrepreneurial point of view it is advisable to invent Christmas if it not exist.

I sometimes think that we insanely anticipate a lot from Christmas. It’s just a burden to the day itself.

Christmas is the time you purchase a year old gift with the New Year’s cash.

If Christmas wishes were chocolates and biscuits it would be an unforgettable celebration for Christmas

I saw how safely you stored the fireworks last holiday, you will snarl them this Christmas.

There is no other big mistake other than to wake on Christmas and pretend not to be a kid.

Keep your Christmas heart open all year round.

I never loved this Santa Claus thing because I knew that no white guy would come to my home from the darkness.

Though grown up now, I extremely get it hard to sleep on the Christmas Eve.

Which Christmas is most important to me? It’s the next Christmas.

It hits you its Christmas when all kids start wearing new similar clothing.

I don’t want much this Christmas, I just want the person reading this to be loved.

May your fun be large in this 2015 Christmas holiday and your bills be small.

Let my love for you become the Christmas star, when you are in doubts let my feelings be the Christmas lights.

Hope you get the best gift of all, hope, peace and love.

Unforgettable is the moments that engages the world in the conspiracy of love.

I miss the Christmas wave of joy. It’s deeper than the ocean tide and comes only once a year.

Keeping Christmas is good, but sharing it with others it’s even better.

Love makes all things beautiful. Are you coated by the Christmas love?

You are special and unique, is your second name Christmas.

Your smile is contagious, please pass it to us and we all have a Christmas.

Peace on earth will come to stay when we live Christmas every day.

Santa will you come and join the merry? You won’t regret our feast.

Give some to the ones with less, and we will all become Santa’s someday.

Every-time we love, every-time we give, it’s Christmas my friend.

The only blind person at Christmas day is the only one who doesn’t share the love of the day to the other.

Christmas is the only day that holds the 364 days together.

All other days live to see the Christmas day love and envy by saying “when I grow up, I wanna be a Christmas day.”

Co-workers are like Christmas lights. They all hang together but half of them don‘t work and the other half aren’t so bright.

Dear Santa, for Christmas please send me your list of bad boys and their phone numbers.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

Christmas is the biggest E-greeting Day in the year.

If you finish your Christmas shopping early, you should consider what’s wrong with you having so few friends.

Have you noticed that in December it is impossible to avoid Christmas songs when going for shopping.

If you took a shot every time you here a Christmas song, you would never feel sober in December.

Let’s hope all your regifting will go undetected this year

Your office Christmas party is a perfect platform to gather blackmail material.

Being a Secret Santa is actually the only office secret that you’ve ever kept.

In our office we do a Secret Santa so secretive that we don’t actually do it.

You really surprised me during this Christmas – I didn’t expect you’ll gift such a sh*t after me giving you hints all year long.

I wouldn’t mind if you told my Secret Santa that I love Porsche cars.

I’d go to office Christmas party if my coworkers weren’t invited.

Let’s hope Santa won’t get killed using Apple Maps this Christmas.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would come into our neighborhood after the dark.

What I don’t like most about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Dear Santa, I was good all year, well most of the year… right, sometimes… at least few times… OK, I’ll buy it myself.

I wanted to send you something AMAZING for Christmas but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.

During Christmas you buy gifts with the next year’s money.

Last year I bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included”.

Christmas is like a regular day at the office. You have to do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the deserts.

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has to see a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

The only thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

You know you’ve grown up when none of the things you want for Christmas can be bought at a store.

We have cancelled this year Christmas, cause Santa died laughing, when I told him you was good this year.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

Merry Christmas, almost Everybody!

I’ve seen you Facebook status updates, You’ll get a dictionary for Christmas.

I asked Santa for a sexiest person on earth and next morning I woke up in a box.

“At Christmas, play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.” – Thomas Tusser

“Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” – Author Unknown

“Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” -Harry in Love Actually

“Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been naughty and it was worth it!”

Dear Santa, This year, please give me a fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks.

“Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.”
– Author Unknown

“Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.”
Author Unknown

“Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.”
Ellen DeGeneres

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
Andy Borowitz

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
Author Unknown

“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
Andy Borowitz

“Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.”
Author Unknown

Funny Christmas Quotes for Cards

Funny Christmas Quotes for Cards

“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.”
Melanie White

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
Melanie White

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
Dave Barry

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”
Anonymous

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
Bridger Winegar

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
Winston Spear

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
Richard Lamm

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” -Louis C.K.

“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.”
Robert Staughton Lynd

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning

Funny Merry Christmas Quotes Sayings

Funny Merry Christmas Quotes Sayings

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
Don Marquis

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
Henny Youngman

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
Erma Bombeck

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
Joan Rivers

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.”
Anonymous

“Do give books religious or otherwise for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”
Lenore Hershey

“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is and people will usually just give it back anyway!”
Anne Bristow

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” Anonymous

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
Jay Leno

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first your money or your feet.” Anonymous

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”
Tom Sims

“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.”
Author Unknown

Funny Christmas Quotes Messages

Funny Christmas Quotes Messages

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”
Guy Endore Kaiser

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
Garrison Keillor

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
Joan Rivers

“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.”
Dick Gregory

“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”
Sean Hughes

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”
Wendy Cope

“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”
-Johnny Carson

Short Funny Christmas Quotes

Short Funny Christmas Quotes

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”
Matt Groening

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”
Catherine Tate

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
Kin Hubbard

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
Jerry Seinfeld

“If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.”
Author Unknown

“Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’.”
Robert Paul

“I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.”
Harlan Miller

“The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.”
O. Henry

“Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.”
Harlan Miller

“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.”
Anonymous

Funny Christmas One Liner Quotes

Funny Christmas One Liner Quotes

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”
Victor Borge

“Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.”
Helen Steiner Rice

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”
John B. Priestly

“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”
Frank McKinney Hubbard

“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”
Stephen John Fry

“It may be a cliche, but it’s true the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.”
Julie Burchill

“I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.”
Frank Butler

“Christmas is a state of mind and that special feeling that only comes with an empty bank account.”
Melanie White

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”
Norman Vincent Peale

“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.”
Jay Leno.

“The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.”
Olivia Haigh Williams

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”
Hamilton Wright Mabi

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”
Norman Vincent Peale

More Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings

More Funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings

“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.”
P. J. O’Rourke

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
Larry Wilde

“From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.”
Katharine Whitehorn

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
P.J. O’Rourke

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”
Tom Armstrong

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
Arlo Guthrie

“Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”
Samantha Bee

“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family… “
Berke Breathed

“The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round — kind, generous, friendly and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the only time they dare reveal themselves.”
Harlan Miller

“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
Dave Barry

Funny Christmas Quotes from Books, Films, and Television

Funny Christmas Quotes from Books, Films, and Television

“From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” Katharine Whitehorn, Roundabout

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.” Father Christmas in Elf

“Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?” Santa Claus in Home Alone

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa” Bart Simpson

“Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans. No more merciful beheadings. And call off Christmas!” Sheriff George of Nottingham

“Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” Harry (Love Actually)

“Blast this Christmas music. It’s joyful and triumphant.” The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

“Out upon merry Christmas! What’s Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer…? If I could work my will,” said Scrooge indignantly, “every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!”
Charles Dickens, A Christmas Story

“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?”
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

“Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease.”
Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause

“From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.”
Katharine Whitehorn, Roundabout

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.”
Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, ‘I want this,’ ‘Get me this,’ ‘I have to have this’… and then there’s the children. And they’re all by my store ’cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I’m the bad guy.”
Al Bundy in Married With Children

“If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.”
Father Christmas in Elf

“Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?”
Santa Claus in Home Alone

We wish you happy and funny holidays!
More: Funny sayings

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