Funny Limericks

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A list of the funny limericks. I advise learning these hilarious sayings well, you never know when you might need them! Here is a great collection of witty funny limericks that is sure to put a smile on your face.
Funny Limericks

Funny Limericks

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That’s why you don’t jump off a wall.

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He’d ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I’ll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he’d knock me around,
If I didn’t stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make “copy” from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

There once was a man from kanass,
Who’s nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he’d clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

I’m really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I’ll do it today,
Well, I’ll do it tomorrow, I mean.

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working’s.

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench–well I,
Just painted it, right where you’re sitting.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face — I don’t mind it,
For I am behind it,
It’s the people in front that I jar.

There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It’s a mystery which way he’s facing.

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he’s skilled.

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

There was a young girl from Rabat
Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
but hell in the feeding,
as she found she had no tit for Tat.

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

There was an old man of Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He woke in the night,
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.

There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they’re interred side by side.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You’re a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can’t guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that’s why his body’s in a pile.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn’t the Wizard he woz.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!

Is it me or the nature of money,
That’s odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate ‘er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue,
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, I’m afloat, I’m afloat!
When they said, No! you ain’t!
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They’d been laid on a chair,
He’d forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn’t it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

I’ve done it — I’ve done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I’ve not used since the year I was born.

I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now — oh my lord,
now all that’s left is a blobby.

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people’s stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
‘Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn’t — he died in the fall.

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

My dog is quite hip,
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn’t an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn’t so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I’d taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don’t have a clue!

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

Dirty limericks

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, You’ve a tight one,
She replied, “Oh my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole,
There’s plenty of room in the right one!”

There once was a woman named Jill,
Tried a dynamite stick for the thrill,
They found her vagina,
In South Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil!

The lass I brought home was a prize,
With an alluring set of bright blue eyes,
Her breasts, so well kept,
Were what I’d expect,
But her penis was quite a surprise.

The president’s loud protestation,
On his fall to the intern’s temptation:
“This affair is still moral,
As long as it’s oral.
Straight screwing I save for the nation.”

There once was a man named Sweeney,
who somehow spilled gin on his weenie.
Just to be couth,
he added vermouth,
and then slipped his date a martini.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker,
And thicker and slicker,
And four inches longer than you.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
“If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it!”

A lady once triplets begat,
Named Nat and Pat and Tat,
Though it was fun breeding,
The trouble was feeding,
Cause there just was no tit for Tat.

The limerick’s callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding –
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.

There once was a man called Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said “I admit,
I’m a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save”.

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
Said she, “Please stop plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
Said he, “Yes I know love, it’s me.”

There was a young girl from Madrass,
That had a magnificent ass.
You probably think,
it was soft and pink,
But was gray, had ears, and ate grass.

If vodka were water and I were a duck,
I’d swim to the bottom and never come up.
But water’s not vodka and I’m not a duck,
So pass me a bottle and shut the f**k up.

There once was a priest from Morocco,
Whose motto was really quite macho.
He said, to be blunt,
“God decreed we eat cunt!
Why else would it look like a taco?

Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hair’s perfectly white.
I admit there’s a glare,
But the fellows don’t care
They locate it more quickly at night.

There once was a Senator from Mass,
Who wanted a strange piece of ass.
He lucked up and found it,
But fucked up and drowned it,
And now his future is past.

There was a young girl named Ann Heuser,
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

There was a young girl in Reno,
Who lost all her dough playing keno.
But she lay on her back,
Exposing her crack,
And now she owns the casino.

There once was a man from Madrass,
Who’s balls were constructed of brass,
When jangled together,
They played stormy weather,
And lightening shot out of his ass!

A foolish young lady named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.

Limericks for kids

There once was a lady named Sue
Who had nothing whatever to do
And who did it so badly
I thought she would gladly
Have stopped before she was through.

There once was a Thingamajig–
Like a Whatsis, but three times as big.
When it first came in view
It looked something like you
But it stayed and turned into a pig.

I once knew a word I forgot
That means, “I am sorry we met
And I wish you the same.”
It sounds like your name
But I haven’t remembered it yet.

There once was an ape in a zoo
Who looked out through the bars and saw YOU!
Do you think it’s fair
To give poor apes a scare?
I think it’s a mean thing to do.

There once was a Martian named Zed
With antennae all over his head.
He sent out a lot
Of di-di-dash-dot
But nobody knows what he said.

There once was a hunter named Paul
Who strangled nine grizzlies one Fall.
Nine is such a good score,
So he tried for one more
But he lost. Well, you can’t win them all!

Speedy Sam, while exploring a cave,
Had what I call a very close shave.
He stepped on a bear,
That had dozed off in there.
I’m glad he was faster than brave.

There once were two back-country geezers
Who got porcupine quills up their sneezers.
They sat beak to beak
For more than a week
Working over each other with tweezers.

Said a salty old skipper from Wales,
“Number one, it’s all right to chew nails.
It impresses the crew.
It impresses me too.
But stop spitting holes in the sails!”

There once was a poor boy named Sid
Who thought he knew more than he did.
He thought that a shark
Would turn tail if you bark.
So he swam out to try it — poor kid!

There was a young fellow who thought
Very little, but thought it a lot.
Then at long last he knew
What he wanted to do,
But before he could start, he forgot.

Irish limericks

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantookit

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why a third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”

A gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”

There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn’t be seen.

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he’s a college professor.

There once was a man named Profaci
Who cooked all his food on a Hibachi
One day the food burned
And then the man learned
And moved up his Hibachi a notchi

Limericks are supposed to be fun
But I still can’t seem to write one
I rather prefer haikus
There’s nothing to lose
But I’d be over the moon if I won

The Irish Gift House is great
They’re the real deal, not fake
I went in for a glance
and I near wet my pants
for they even had Tayto and Flake

I went to the pub for a drink
A man said its Patty’s day I think
SO I pinched his arm
I really meant no harm
But now I’m sitting in the clink

There once was a lass named Pat
Who had three sons name Matt, Nat and Tat
Well, there was fun in the breeding
But when it came time for the feeding
She found there was no tit for Tat

A GIRL JOINED A MEN’S TEAM FOR LUCK
SHE WAS HOPING TO MEET A YOUNG BUCK
SHE THOUGHT “WOW MY NIGHT’S GONNA BE GOOD”
BUT SHE MISUNDERSTOOD
WHEN SHE HEARD HIM YELL “WATCH OUT FOR THE PUCK”

THERE ONCE WAS A WOMAN WITH A PLAN
NO IT WASN’T TO GET HER A MAN
HER MAIN FOCUS, HER CAUSE
TO GET THROUGH MENOPAUSE
SO SHE COULD FINALLY TURN OFF THE FAN!

There once was a man in A-Z
Who was as Irish as one can be.
It has often been told
That he liked to spend his gold
At The Irish Gift Shop here in Tempe!

They say Patrick’s a Norse a Viking of course
But he left his dear homeland of Sweden
To live with the snakes
In the Isle of Lakes
In his life and his death he had Eden

So Kerry and Andrew reached out
for some limericks here and about
but they never expected
to get so connected
with such an incorrigible lout!

It’s fun to be Italian and Irish
Every dinner Nonna makes is delish
Your Gramps buys you beer
Your home’s full of good cheer
For what more could anyone wish?

Shamrocks or four leaf -clovers are green,
To be found is something rarely seen.
They bring you good luck!
But not if you’re a duck!
Only works on fairies and human beans!

There once was a Leprechaun from Dublin.
Whose name was McFinnigan McFin!
He hoarded his gold,
Or so we’ve been told
And left nothing for the rest of his kin.

There once was a teacher from New York.
Who liked to eat Irish taters with a fork!
Said her Irish student, Maureen,
“You eat Irish taters, so clean”
I must admit you are kind of a dork.

Oh lordy to be a man, natural born Irish!
There really is nothing like it!
A true “brown bred” tater.
For, a man nothing greater.
Oh yeah, except for the she’s and to date her!

There once was a lad from Doon,
Who owned a singing baboon,
And when folks walked past,
They would let out a gasp,
As he sang them their favourite tune!!!!!

There once was a young man named Phil
Who had a puppy named Bill.
When asked, “Does he bite?”
Phil answered, “He might.”
Then the puppy named Bill bit Phil.

Famous limericks

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, ‘It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!’

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, ‘I’m afloat, I’m afloat!’
When they said, ‘No! you ain’t!’
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, ‘Who’s afraid?’
Which distracted that virulent bull.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

There was an Old Man who said, ‘Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!’
When they said, ‘Is it small?’
He replied, ‘Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!’

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck’d them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
“Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!”

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
“More than that would make me too fat,”
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: ‘I don’t care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!’

Limericks dirty

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, You’ve a tight one,
She replied, “Oh my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole,
There’s plenty of room in the right one!”

There once was a woman named Jill,
Tried a dynamite stick for the thrill,
They found her vagina,
In South Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil!

The lass I brought home was a prize,
With an alluring set of bright blue eyes,
Her breasts, so well kept,
Were what I’d expect,
But her penis was quite a surprise.

The president’s loud protestation,
On his fall to the intern’s temptation:
“This affair is still moral,
As long as it’s oral.
Straight screwing I save for the nation.”

There once was a man named Sweeney,
who somehow spilled gin on his weenie.
Just to be couth,
he added vermouth,
and then slipped his date a martini.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker,
And thicker and slicker,
And four inches longer than you.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
“If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it!”

A lady once triplets begat,
Named Nat and Pat and Tat,
Though it was fun breeding,
The trouble was feeding,
Cause there just was no tit for Tat.

The limerick’s callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding –
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.

There once was a man called Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said “I admit,
I’m a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save”.

Funny birthday limericks

“I am sorry to hear, Smiling Jill (Bill, Phil, you get the idea)
That your birthday’s no longer a thrill,
All your friends think you’re great,
You should still celebrate –
You’re not old, you’re just over the hill.”

“There once was a lady named Donna
Who said to her friends, “I’m not gonna
Eat your candy and cake,
I refuse to partake.
Blow those candles yourself — I don’t wanna!”

“Mom, I’m sure it will give you a lift
that I’ve shown such admirable thrift
in choosing a way
to remember your day
with this heart-warming message (no gift!)”

“On this day, we party each year!
And we come to drink all of your beer!
We will sing out of tune
Eat some cake and commune
When the drink’s gone, we’ll all disappear!”

Don’t you hate it when all your joints ache?
All those candles are crushing your cake?
It just leads to depression
So change your expression
And party on for Pete’s sake!

“You’ve conquered the aging disease
that brings lesser men to their knees.
You’re a vigorous man
and you’ve proved you still can
blow out candles with only one wheeze.”

“This year I have something to boast:
I remembered your birthday (almost).
This card may be late
but it’s close to the date.
Let’s pretend it got lost in the post.”

Have a great time with funny limericks and don’t forget to share the laughter and mental stimulation with others!

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