Funny quotes and sayings


A list of the funny quotes and sayings. I advise learning these hilarious sayings well, you never know when you might need them! Here is a great collection of witty funny quotes and sayings that is sure to put a smile on your face.
Funny quotes and sayings

Funny quotes and sayings

Funny quotes and sayings

Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!
Jeffrey Gitomer

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas Eddison

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin

You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
Jack London

If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.
Donald Trump

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
Kyle Chandler

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Albert Einstein

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A. Milne

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain

Try to be like the turtle – at ease in your own shell.
Bill Copeland

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Tom Lehrer

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Isaac Asimov

Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.
Truman Capote

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

“Fish and visitors stink after three days.”
Ben Franklin

“Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.”

“I can’t be out of money, I still have checks left.”
George Clark

“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
Franklin Jones

“Black Holes are where God divided by zero.”
Albert Einstein

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
Steven Wright

“If you want to be criticized, marry. ”
Irish Proverb

“In God we trust; all others pay cash.”
Jean Shepherd

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
Oscar Wilde

“I wonder if clothes in China say, “Made around the corner.””

“A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.”
Marvin Kitman

“All power corrupts, but we need electricity.”
Diana Wynne Jones

“Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.”
Philander Johnson

“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”
Ellen DeGeneres

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.”
William Clayton

“Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.”

“You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”
Pearl Williams

“I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?”

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
George Carlin

“I doubt, therefore I might be.”
A spoof on Descartes’ famous saying.

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
Steven Wright

“Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
African Proverb

“Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.”
Peyton Johnston

“A day without sunshine is like, night.”
Steve Martin

“I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.”
Seasick Steve.

“Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.”

“He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.”
Chuck Tanner

Funny quotes and sayings 2

Funny quotes and sayings

“Procrastination is the greatest labor saving invention of all time.”

“All generalizations are false.”
Mark Twain

“Follow your dreams, except for the one where you’re naked in church.”
Rev. David Ault

“Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.”

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. ”
Carol Leifer

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.”
Abe Lemons

“A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.”
Burt Bacharach

“I’m in shape … round’s a shape, isn’t it?”

“He who laughs last didn’t get it.”
Helen Giangregorio

“I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?”

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
Steven Wright

“He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.”
Leopold Fechtner

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”
Sam Levenson

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”

“Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.”
Finley Peter Dunne

“I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.”
Jonathan Raban

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”
Jim Davis

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
Franklin P. Jones

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell

“I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.”
Russell Brand

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Rita Rudner

“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
Chelsea Peretti

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.”
Natasha Leggero

“I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt.”
Henny Youngman

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
Garry Shandling

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
Richard Jeni

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
Lily Tomlin

“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.”
Jerry Seinfeld

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
Joan Rivers

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
Chelsea Handler

“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
George Burns

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Groucho Marx

“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”
Woody Allen

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.”
Fran Lebowitz

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.”
Richard Pryor

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
Chris Rock

“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
Rodney Dangerfield

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.”
Johnny Carson

“My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.”
Elayne Boosler

Funny quotes and sayings 3

Funny quotes and sayings

“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.”
Ray Romano

“I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.”
Jack Benny

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”

“Women love a self-confident bald man.”
Larry David

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
Bill Maher

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”
Jackie Mason

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.”
David Sedaris

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
Phyllis Diller

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Erma Bombeck

“You are 100% unique and special – just like everyone else I know.”

“You’ll never get out of life alive, so don’t take it too seriously.”

“A day without sunshine is no different than the night.”

“What makes a successful woman? A woman that can spend more money than a successful man makes.”

“Make sure you know your facts so that you can distort them later.”

“You wouldn’t sit for a month if you could kick the person responsible for your troubles in the pants.”

“I might be a drunk, but when I am sober, you’ll still be ugly.”

“There’s no fun in agreement; it simply kills the chatter.”

“I’m on my way – although I don’t know where I am going.”

“Why is a woman’s mind cleaner than a man’s? She changes it often.”

“Who’s the best person to borrow money from? A pessimist. They won’t expect it back anyway.”

“The right speech is like a skirt: short enough to create interest and long enough to cover the areas that matter.”

“Coincidence is God’s disguise.”

“Einstein said there is a difference between genius and stupidity – genius has limits.”

“Education is the only thing that interferes with learning.”

“I want to live poor, but with a lot of money in the bank.”

“Why paint pictures that make sense when the world is in disarray?”

“Money doesn’t make you happy. I was happy when I had $80, and I am happy having $90.”

“I have my own opinions, but don’t agree on them, or they may change.”

“Old people always poke you at weddings and say “you’re next.” When I go to a funeral, I am going to poke them and say “you’re next.””

“The worst place to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“Name the presidents? Don’t they have their own names?”

“I am not me. I am drunk.”

“I’m selling a parachute. It’s been used once and never been opened; there’s a small stain.”

“How many people work here? Only about ½ of them.”

“I refuse to answer any question I don’t know the answer to.”

“Temptation is the only thing I can’t resist.”

“Money is the key to happiness. Worst case scenario, if you have enough money, you can buy the key.”

“Everyone should accept who they are. Except you. You’re crazy.”

“The worst two minutes of my life were when I tried to be normal.”

“May your Monday be short, and your coffee be strong.”

“There will come a day when young people make fun of the old you.”

““Just kidding” is the one lie I keep telling that all of these fools keep believing.”

““Nothing is impossible.” Well, I do a great damn job of doing nothing most of the day – and I get paid to do it.”

“I was about to have a battle of wits with you, but it’s not right to have a battle with an unarmed man.”

“Procrastinate is a game, and I am a “pro” at it.”

“This will be known as the era when smartphones were created and started the race of the human zombies.”

“There are two things that I see every day: stupid people and stupid people on smartphones.”

“It’s all fun and games until the cops are called. Now, it’s a game of hide and seek with, hopefully, no winner.”

“Killing people is wrong, but we kill people that have killed other people because killing bad people is accepted.”

“I think it’s time I go take a hot shower. It is just like a normal shower until I get in it.”

“Math has completely taken over my life. Here I am, trying to make more money, lose more weight, divide my time while multiplying it, and I am completely lost half of the time.”

“If the world didn’t suck so much, we would float off into outer space.”

“There are three times when you can’t hold a person to their word: when they’re drunk, when they’re running for office, and when they’re in love.”

“Everyone thinks that no one in the world thinks that they’re important until they stop paying their bills.”

“It’s easy to admire the patience of the driver behind you, but impossible to admire the patience of the driver ahead of you – step on the gas already.”

“How can anyone say that they’re perfect when we all have a crack in our ass?”

“Everyone says that they want to save enough money to live comfortably for the rest of their lives. I have enough money to life comfortably – until the end of the week at least.”

“Every morning that you wake up, you want to make the devil say “oh crap, she is awake.””

“They always say that silence is golden, but I found out that duct tape is silver and it seems to work just as well.”

“I would pay attention if I wasn’t so broke.”

“When you think about it, friendship is kind of like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but you’ll be the only one that can truly feel it.”

“You will find a lot of people who are willing to help you move for a slice of pizza, but only your best friend will help you move a dead body.”

“The only one that will lay your life down for the country is yourself – and your local politician.”

“In business, tomorrow is always the busiest day of the week.”

“There is only one person that you have to check your calendar for before scheduling an appointment – death.”

““You’re one in a million.” Big deal! There are still 6,000 other people in the world that are just like you.”

“Alarm clocks only ensure one thing: that you wake up in the morning having a heart attack.”

Funny quotes and sayings 4

Funny quotes and sayings

“I would rather try to smell the number 9 than try to understand what you’re saying.”

“Want to know the truth about parents? Parents hire babysitters that are trying to act like adults, while the adults go out and try to act like a bunch of teenagers. It’s a never-ending cycle of trying to be younger and older.”

“I got the best compliment today. I walked out to my car and found a note from someone that says “Parking fine.” They must have really admired my parking job.”

“Everyone says that I lack ambition, but I did a few researchers to get that information.”

“Home Alone is the best movie to watch backwards. You’re shown a story of two men that are helped by a young kid that put out traps before he cleans them up and gets yelled at by his parents.”

“Don’t you miss the old days when you liked someone and all you had to do was chase them on the playground?”

“I never get into fights with ugly people – they have nothing to lose.”

“You can push a person to do anything – but make it through a door that says “pull.””

“I am a writer, and the hardest part of the day is not getting distracted by the Internet. The other 1% is all about inspiration.”

“It’s an enigma. You see only happy singles when you’re dating and happy couples when you’re single.”

“I’m not fat. Nature is just saying that I am so good, there should be more of me.”

“Sarcasm is a natural defense mechanism against stupidity.”

“Being stupid in love means you’ve fallen so head over heels that you got brain damage.”

“What’s the one thing every successful student has? A Facebook that is deactivated.”

“Facebook isn’t a diary where you only post your life’s disappointments and failures.”

“Falling on your face is good for you as long as you keep going forward.”

“Stress can only come from three things: family, money and family with no money.”

“Love is kind of like a fart; if you have to force your love, it’s probably crap.”

“Staying positive is easy when all you keep doing is falling on your face.”

“Relationships that don’t end well all start the same way: he is so different. But they always end with: “he is just like the rest.””

“There is no difference between a bully at school and upper level management at work.”

“The only good women that exist are all already taken.”

“You never want to argue with a fool because he will be doing the same thing.”

“Thank God you’re not intelligent. At least you never have to act.”

“Everyone calls it schizophrenia. I just think of it as having my own social network with the people that matter most to me.”

“The large print has a way of giving you everything you could possibly want, while the small print has a way of taking it all away.”

“The moment that scientists find the center of the universe, there will be a lot of people that are upset that they’re not in it.”

“I have left my past behind me. P.S. If I owe you money, I have already moved on.”

“Fools are the only people that seems to live forever. They just don’t understand dying.”

“Love is the hourglass that fills up, and quickly pours out taking all of a man’s money.”

“Financially, I am not ready for Christmas. But I am ready for all the presents I will get.”

“Men have a life that is amazing. First, we believe in Santa Claus, then we don’t believe in Santa Claus, and then when we have kids, we are Santa Claus.”

“The best way to explain intelligence is to sit down and point out all of the idiots.”

“The beautiful women that play hard to get are the same ones who pray the hardest to get a husband.”

“Rich men aren’t stupid; they are the only ones that will get another man to spend their minutes on them.”

“Bank accounts are the true evidence of how badly I can manage my finances.”

“There are many ways to argue with a woman, but none of them work for me.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – until they say something stupid, and you have to punch them in the eye.”

“Best friends are the only people that cheer you on when you’re angry and try to get you to punch someone else in the face.”

“Having two children made me realize that I need to hire a referee.”

“Being a women is a tough job; we always have to deal with men.”

“I have lost a lot of things in life, but the one thing I miss the most is my mind.”

“My parents would be so proud of me if Facebook and Twitter were all school subjects.”

“Everyone says life is short, but who took the measurements?”

“The saying goes, “no matter how hot she is, there is someone tired of dealing with her sh**.””

“You become very good at fractions when you grow up with siblings.”

“I may be the oddest person among a group, but I am the gold tooth that shines the most.”

“Women are just like telephones. They love when you talk to them and hold them, but if you press the wrong buttons, you’ll be disconnected.”

“I would pray for strength, but I am too afraid I will throw you out of the window.”

“You know the way I look at chocolate cake? That is how I want people to look at me.”

“Geniuses can’t answer the questions of a stupid person.”

“You may not like my sarcasm, but I don’t like your stupidity.”

“People that know the least about you always think they know the most.”

“I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship with someone that lives in my future.”

“When life gives me lemons, I patiently wait for the person that has vodka to come along, so we can have a party.”

“You can be the smartest person in the world, but you’ll never be able to convince a stupid man that he’s stupid.”

“I am the best person in the world at keeping secrets. I will forget what you say two minutes from now.”

“Dating an ex is like failing a test that you already have the answers to.”

“There’s always a person that thinks you’re flirting with them when you’re just being nice.”

“There’s one advantage to exercising every day: you’ll die healthier.”

“You can keep rolling your eyes, so hopefully, you find a brain back there.”

“If you can’t find a problem, look in the mirror and stare it right in the face.”

“Women must get so tired with putting on two faces in the morning.”

“Sometimes, the other person is an idiot and doesn’t take the first step to forgiveness.”

“Laughter is the best medicine until they put you on medicine.”

“True friends are those that never judge another person while they’re alone.”

“Facebook is a game that everyone plays with a face of caring and compassion although they don’t really care.”

“Good friends are the friends that never let you make a stupid decision while you’re alone.”

“I will be there the moment karma hits you in the face – just in case it needs a little help.”

“Politicians have a way of promising the world while taking away every last penny you have.”

Do, or do not. There is no “try”. – Yoda, from Star Wars

You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. – from The Notebook

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. – Ferris, from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want. – Heath Ledger, from 10 Things I Hate About You

To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.” – from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it. – Rafiki, from The Lion King

Funny quotes and sayings 5

Funny quotes and sayings

You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours. – White Queen, from Alice in Wonderland

Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? – from What a Girl Wants

My momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” – from Forrest Gump

I don’t regret the things I’ve done, but those I did not do. – from Empire Records

After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. – from Shrek

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. – from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

It’s what you do right now that makes a difference. – from Black Hawk Down

It is not our abilities that show what we truly are… it is our choices. – Dumbledore, from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss. – from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Great men are not born great, they grow great. – Mario Puzo, from The Godfather

Love cannot be found where it doesn’t exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does. – David Schwimmer, from Kissing a Fool

Only if you find peace within yourself will you find true connection with others. – from Before Sunrise

To find something, anything, a great truth or a lost pair of glasses, you must first believe there will be some advantage in finding it. – from All the King’s Men

I know what I have to do now, I’ve got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? – from Cast Away

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.

Life is a bitch so learn how to fuck it.

They laugh at me because I’m different; I laugh at them because they’re all the same.

I’m always on my best behavior. It just so happens that my best behavior isn’t very good.

My idea of a good morning is one when I open my eyes, take a deep breath then go back to sleep.

Life is too short to worry about what others say or think about you. So have fun, enjoy and give them something to talk about.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth,

Some people aren’t just missing the odd screw. The whole freakin’ tool box is gone.

Just because I give you advice, it doesn’t mean I know more than you, it just means I’ve done more stupid shit.

Life is a onetime offer, use it well.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice.

Some people just need a high-five in the face with a chair.

Scientist say the universe is made up of protons, electrons and neutrons. They forget to mention morons.

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome not perfect.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed.

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you are in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.

Life without God is like an un-sharpened pencil – No point.

My level of maturity depends on who I’m with.

We’re not cavemen. We have technology.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

My attitude will always be based on how you treat me.

True friends don’t judge each other. They judge people together.

Know that bitches get stuff done.

I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I howpe we stat ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people.

A T-rex has short arms so that everything it holds is close to its heart.

I may not be the most important person in your life. I just hope when you hear my name, you smile and say that’s my friend.

I am who I am. You approval is not needed.

You cannot act like flip flops and expect to be treated like louboutins.

May you never go to hell but always be on your way.

I never said I hated you. I just said that if you were on fire, I might consider roasting a marshmallow. Big difference.

You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a jar of nutella.

I stay fat because it just wouldn’t be fair to all the thin people is I were this good-looking, intelligent, funny and thin. It’s a public service really.

There there, it’s gonna be OK. Hey, I know this is a bad time and all but my water dish has been empty like all day. No rush, just saying.

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

I think its funny that people who treat you like shit get offended when you finally do the same to them.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

That awkward moment when you’re doing weird stuff, then realize someone is watching you.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Family are like underpants, some crawl up your ass, some get a little sideways, some are your favorite, some are holy, some are cheap, and just plain nasty, and some actually cover your ass when you need them to.

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. For example, toilet paper.

We are all mature until somebody brings out some bubble wrap.

Home is wherever my bunch if crazies are.

Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.

There is a legend that is you go take a shower as screams out loud “Mom!” three times, a nice lady appears bringing the towel you forgot.

When I’m quiet, those that don;t know me look at me and think I’m shy. People who know me think, OMG! Shes Thinking! Everyone run for your life.

I smile because you’re my family. I laugh because there is nothing your can do about it.

I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.

You are going to be fine, you come from a strong line of lunatics.

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I thought you were never ever ever ever coming home ever so I panicked.

In my family, crazy doesn;’t skip a generation

You and I are sisters. Always remember that if you fall I will pick you up as soon as I finish laughing.

I don’t have a short temper. I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.

The best thing about me. I’m limited edition. There are no other copies. Bet you’re thinking thank the good lord.

Two old people sitting on a bench, once turns to the other and says ‘My butt fell asleep.’ The other says, ‘Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times.

I think the cuckoo just fell out of your clock.

I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going very well, like it’s working out. I think I’m the one.

Were all a little weird, and life’s a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall a mutual weirdness and call it Love.

Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’r CuTe.

You text him. he doesn’t text back. He was obviously excited that he fainted.

Of course women don;t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then wall into a pole.

Good relationships don’t just happen. They take patience, time and two people who truly want to be together.

I tripped and fell into some feelings. I’m OK now. I brushed that shit off.

Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as shit.

Are you google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.

The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Other than that, watch out.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

I didn’t want to fall in love, not at all but at some point, you smiled and holy shit I blew it.

From the moment we started talking I knew that I wanted you around.

I’m bananas for you. Let’s never split.

If she likes you, she’ll tackle you, sing to you, be weird around you, dance for you, scream at you, take your food and be mean to you.

I hope your day is as nice as your butt.

I have a date tonight with my bed. We are totally gonna sleep together.

Love is like fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you get when you see food coming at a restaurant.

Have a great time with funny quotes and sayings and don’t forget to share it with others!
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Funny quotes and sayings
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