Funny sayings


A list of the shortest funny sayings and phrases. I advise learning these hilarious sayings well, you never know when you might need them! Here is a great collection of witty funny sayings – funny quotes and sayings that is sure to put a smile on your face.
Funny sayings

Funny sayings

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you – With love, the floor.

When nothing is going right, go left.

When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

I know the voices in my head aren’t real….. but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

Most of the time… when you’re crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time… when you’re worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time… when you’re happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time…

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Albert King

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn’t be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn’t be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

I’m gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I’ll say I ordered this last year.

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
Anonymous 2K389

In the morning I can’t eat, I’m thinking of you. In the evening I can’t eat, I’m thinking of you. In the night I can’t sleep.. I’m so hungry!

You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.

It’s not important to win, it’s important to make the other guy lose.

The road to success is always under construction.
Lily Tomlin

Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.

I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it’s having the phone number of somebody who does!

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a “No Bell” prize.

Legend says that when you can’t sleep, it’s because you’re awake in someone’s dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great.

You call it nagging, I call it ‘listen to what I said the first time!’

Laughing is one of the best exercises, it’s like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it’s even better with a friend.

Funny sayings 2

Funny sayings

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Albert Einstein

“Fish and visitors stink after three days.”
Ben Franklin

“Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.”

“I can’t be out of money, I still have checks left.”
George Clark

“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
Franklin Jones

“Black Holes are where God divided by zero.”
Albert Einstein

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
Steven Wright

“If you want to be criticized, marry. ”
Irish Proverb

“In God we trust; all others pay cash.”
Jean Shepherd

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
Oscar Wilde

“I wonder if clothes in China say, “Made around the corner.””

“A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.”
Marvin Kitman

“All power corrupts, but we need electricity.”
Diana Wynne Jones

“Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.”
Philander Johnson

“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”
Ellen DeGeneres

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.”
William Clayton

“Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.”

“You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”
Pearl Williams

“I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?”

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
George Carlin

“I doubt, therefore I might be.”

A spoof on Descartes’ famous saying.

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
Steven Wright

“Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
African Proverb

“Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.”
Peyton Johnston

“A day without sunshine is like, night.”
Steve Martin

“I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.”
Seasick Steve.

“Humpty Dumpty was pushed!”
Elisabeth Richards

“How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.”
Kevin Hart

Funny sayings 3

Funny sayings

“Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.”

“He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.”
Chuck Tanner

“Procrastination is the greatest labor saving invention of all time.”

“All generalizations are false.”
Mark Twain

“Follow your dreams, except for the one where you’re naked in church.”
Rev. David Ault

“Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.”

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. ”
Carol Leifer

“He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.”

“Money talks… but all mine ever says is goodbye!”

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.”
Abe Lemons

“A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.”
Burt Bacharach

“I’m in shape … round’s a shape, isn’t it?”

“He who laughs last didn’t get it.”
Helen Giangregorio

“I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?”

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
Steven Wright

“He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.”
Leopold Fechtner

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”
Sam Levenson

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”

“Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.”
Finley Peter Dunne

“I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.”
Jonathan Raban

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”
Jim Davis

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
Franklin P. Jones

“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.”

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”
Gracie Allen

“Death is hereditary.”
Jill Shalvis

Funny sayings 4

Funny sayings

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.

Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.

Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

Of course I have a talent. I’m really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.

“If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level.”

According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.

… and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:
“Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!”
… and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse.

If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.

A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.

My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

If I can still lie on the ground without having to hold myself, I’m not drunk.

Do people talk about you behind your back? Simply fart.

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.

There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.

When somebody doesn’t get something:
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.

Finally, the spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.

If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.

I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.

I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.

What can you say when it’s already late and you really want to go home?
Can you hear that? That’s my pillow calling and it becomes really mean when I let it wait too long.

I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.

My mood is currently swinging between an axe and gasoline.

A housewife’s battle:
The household stares at me. I stare right back. Without breaking eye contact, I slide a piece of chocolate in my mouth. I won!

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

I’m all for irony, but the phrase “Good morning” seems to be going a bit too far.

I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

You can only be young once. But you can enjoy being infantile forever.

Married women face a significantly lower risk of kidnapping, nobody can be certain that the ransom would actually be paid.

No thanks, I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.

I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.

I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.

I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.

What do I have in common with a Victoria’s Secret best model?
I’m hungry, too.

Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.

Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.

I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor though.

Funny that you can’t spell “slaughter” without “laughter”.

We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.

Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.

I speak fluent Ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.

I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.

What to say to a person that goes on your nerves?
I think you deserve a standing ovation … of my longest finger!

Funny sayings 5

Funny sayings

I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that your urge to pee intensifies as you are unlocking the door.

Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s cousin’s brother in law’s best friend’s accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Some other time maybe.

I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.

All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of crisps.

Of course you’re not fat. Just grab a couple of chairs and come sit with us.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry…

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.

I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.

The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

The road to success is always under construction.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?

Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

God created the world, everything else is made in China.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

Don’t you wish they made a clap on clap off device for some peoples mouths?

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

Have a great time with funny sayings and don’t forget to share it with others!

Funny sayings
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