Punny jokes

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A list of the punny jokes. I advise learning these hilarious sayings well, you never know when you might need them! Here is a great collection of witty punny jokes that is sure to put a smile on your face.
Punny jokes

Punny jokes

Does your wife scream when she is coming?
No, my wife has a key to the door.

Would you mind if I took a picture of you naked?
Sure, why not – if it isn’t too cold for you here?

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, one, but the lightbulb really has to change itself.

Why didn’t the toilet paper go down the water slide like everybody else?
Well, he got stuck in the crack.

I’ve decided I need to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough.
I’ve just handed in my too weak notice.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage?
He always fears the Wurst.

My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.

When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it’s fully groan.

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A waist of time.

Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.

I just had a near-sex experience…
My wife flashed before my eyes.

Three men are on a boat one day. They all smoke and they’ve got four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A Mexican magician told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three.
He went, “Uno, dos…”
And POOF! He disappeared without a tres.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic.
But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

A boy was born who had Indian, Chinese, Irish and Italian grandmothers.
They couldn’t decide on a name for him.
Then it hit them…
They called him Ravi O’Lee.

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

Someone was killed with a starting pistol today.
Police think it may be race-related.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn’t find a manual.

What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.

Punny jokes 2

If I was addicted to masturbation and then became addicted to sex would it be safe to say my addiction got out of hand?

Where do robots go for fun?
The Circuits.

I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row.
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.

Why was the little ink drop crying?
Because his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say “don’t” and if he touches your pussy say “stop”? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “don’t stop”.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

What was Forrest Gump’s email password? “1forrest1”

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

Punny jokes 3

Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside. 4.1 stars

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.

The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed up with the hole business.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52seconds. Poor guy.

I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.

Why did the scarecrow get a raise? He was outstanding in his field.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.

I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Why was the toilet paper rolling down the mountain? To get to the bottom.

Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.

“Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”

“I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall? Dam!!!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

Fishermen are reel men.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!

“Why is there music coming out of your printer?” -“That will be the paper jamming again!”

Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

I used to suffer from soap addiction, but I’m clean now.

Can February March? No, but April May.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.

Punny jokes 4

The guests in this hotel are always stealing all the soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing windows.

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved.

I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him eggcelent vision.

The local gene pool looks like it could use quite a bit of chlorine.

I wonder how letters ever get to the recipient. The envelopes, afterall, are stationery.

“I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve ever seen!”

I used to be a banker but I lost interest

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I’ve heard about a scarecrow that won a prize. It was totally outstanding in its field.

So, you’re not afraid of ghost puns? That’s the spirit!

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.

In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.

What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

Scientists have never been able to pinpoint the exact location of Santa Claus’ birthplace, so they agreed to refer to him as “North Polish”.

What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.

I went to the house of horrors for lunch. We had I scream for dessert.

Why do you barely ever see the sun inside a classroom?

It’s got enough degrees already.

How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.

It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.

Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!

Why did the calf cross the road?

It wanted to get to the udder side.

What do you call your sweetheart when she loses her eyes? No idea.

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.

Have a great time with punny jokes and don’t forget to share the laughter and mental stimulation with others!

Punny jokes
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