Short funny sayings

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A list of the short funny sayings. Amusing sayings, humorous quotes, funny proverbs, phrases, slogans, smart remarks for any occasion, witty wisdoms for fun and reflection.
Short funny sayings

Short funny sayings

“Fish and visitors stink after three days.”
Ben Franklin

“Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.”
Anonymous

“I can’t be out of money, I still have checks left.”
George Clark

“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
Franklin Jones

“Black Holes are where God divided by zero.”
Albert Einstein

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
Steven Wright

“If you want to be criticized, marry. ”
Irish Proverb

“In God we trust; all others pay cash.”
Jean Shepherd

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
Oscar Wilde

“I wonder if clothes in China say, “Made around the corner.””
Anonymous

“A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.”
Marvin Kitman

“All power corrupts, but we need electricity.”
Diana Wynne Jones

“Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.”
Philander Johnson

“People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”
Ellen DeGeneres

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.”
William Clayton

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry…

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.

I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Short funny sayings 2

You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.

The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

The road to success is always under construction.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?

Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

God created the world, everything else is made in China.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

Don’t you wish they made a clap on clap off device for some peoples mouths?

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

Short funny sayings 3

“Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.”
Anonymous

“You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”
Pearl Williams

“I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?”
Anonymous

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
George Carlin

“I doubt, therefore I might be.”
A spoof on Descartes’ famous saying.

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
Steven Wright

“Never test the depth of the water with both feet.”
African Proverb

“Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.”
Peyton Johnston

“A day without sunshine is like, night.”
Steve Martin

“I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.”
Seasick Steve.

“Humpty Dumpty was pushed!”
Elisabeth Richards

“How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.”
Kevin Hart

“Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.”
Anonymous

“He’s so optimistic he’d buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants.”
Chuck Tanner

Short funny sayings 4

“Procrastination is the greatest labor saving invention of all time.”
Anonymous

“All generalizations are false.”
Mark Twain

“Follow your dreams, except for the one where you’re naked in church.”
Rev. David Ault

“Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.”
Anonymous

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. ”
Carol Leifer

“He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.”
Anonymous

“Money talks… but all mine ever says is goodbye!”
Anonymous

“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.”
Abe Lemons

“A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.”
Burt Bacharach

“I’m in shape … round’s a shape, isn’t it?”
Anonymous

“He who laughs last didn’t get it.”
Helen Giangregorio

“I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?”
Anonymous

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
Steven Wright

“He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.”
Leopold Fechtner

Short funny sayings 5

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”
Sam Levenson

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.”
Anonymous

“Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.”
Finley Peter Dunne

“I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.”
Jonathan Raban

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”
Jim Davis

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.”
Franklin P. Jones

“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.”
Anonymous

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”
Gracie Allen

“Death is hereditary.”
Jill Shalvis

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Have a great time with short funny sayings and don’t forget to share the laughter and mental stimulation with others!
More: Funny Sayings

Short funny sayings
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